Month: December 2015

Dear Círdan Nowë,

I am writing to you regarding your spouse and husband, the Maia Ossë, Terrible-One of Ulmo. It has come to my attention that you and he have made a certain agreement, or wager, to be more accurate, involving your spouse’s behavior during this, the twelfth month of the year. It is my understanding that I was at the crux of this wager – though I dare say I was never consulted on the matter!– : Your husband the Maia Ossë was under oath not to speak to me during the prescribed period, on pain of scorn. If, however, he maintained silence towards me successfully, he would be rewarded with a gift, the nature of which has not yet been determined. 

Well, given that you are Eruhini (sagacious and vigilant as you may be!), you are therefore lacking the capacity to monitor your husband’s activities at all times. You no doubt trust that he will simply inform you of all his doings upon the event’s terminus. This he may yet do; I understand you have one another’s utmost confidence. It is true that Ossë gone for thirty days and nights without a single word spoken to me directly! He is to be congratulated on this feat of willpower, as it no doubt taxed him to the extreme. 

However– I, being included regardless of my will in this marital bonding exercise, feel obliged to inform you of a few small but notable instances that your husband may fail to disclose:

1) Upon the first of December, your husband did wittingly and amiably listen to both a song and a poem, of my own writ, in praise of him and the sea. 

2) He then drenched me with seawater and threw a boot at my head– while you may find this amusing, I count it as something of an exchange, a response to my offerings, though not in words. 

3) On the third day of the month, Ossë again wittingly and amiably listened to a a second poem in his praise, making sounds of delight and satisfaction.

4) That same day, your husband accepted a gift of my forging. Having listened to my arguments and finding my logic sound, he sent up a jewelry box into which the item of jewelry was stowed in order that he might give to you later. I believe you have it still: it is a silver hair clasp set with moonstone and pearls. It is harmless and unenchanted, as I have sworn on my hand. 

–The back of it is signed, as you can see by this rubbing.– 

5) In exchange for this gift, your husband sent me a most beautiful carven driftwood pendant in the shape of a wolf. I wear it as I write. 

6) This incident may be of the greatest concern to you: On the 13th of December, I set sail aboard the good ship Kraken, piloted by the pirate Ji-Indur, whose acquaintance I believe you have made. 
Upon reaching the open seas, I did change my form into one alike to those of the Oarni, being half whale, half man, and entered the Realm of Uluboz. 
There I was met by your husband and his entourage, and though at first they made great show of threat, soon they were calmed by my offerings of peace and gestures of goodwill. Your husband spoke to me through his servants and through mine. I was given an hour to explore the ocean unhindered. I will cherish the memory of that hour until the end of time! A delightful gift it was your Ossë gave me.  At the hour’s close my servant and I were escorted by your husband back to shore– somewhat roughly in my case. 

7) I perhaps should mention that before I left the sea, your husband and I shared a most intimate and lengthy kiss, into which he bent in passion, allowing me fondle his gills with tongue and finger. 

8) I would be more than happy to share the techniques of gill-stimulation I used that seemed to please your partner so. He seemed in most dire need of real pleasure. Were you unaware this was a form of contact he favored? I suggest you speak with him on the matter. 

That is all I will impart to you at this time, Master Shipwright. I think you and I can both agree that Ossë has kept the letter of his word, if perhaps not the spirit. But it is the season of forgiving, no? If you do indeed reward him for his obedience to you, let him know I treasured our time together while he was most diligently not speaking to me. I feel that in many ways, I have come out of your marital bargain all the richer.

With Sincere and Heartfelt Gratitude,
Lord of the East and Zîgur of the Temple of Freedom

 Sauron. 

“Off you go. You know where to deliver it.” 

@theshipwright  @masteroftheseas