Month: July 2016

THAT’S IT: I refuse to let anyone take this topic seriously ever again.

The final draft of this scene was lost amid professor Tolkien’s notes, but I alone have unearthed this entirely authentic account of the Third Kinslaying.

 It involves a dark secret known only to few: the Silmaril possessed by Elwing was indeed rescued by a bird, but the bird in question was none other than nature’s most majestic creature, the Blue Footed Booby. The incident was so embarrassing that the Fëanorians and the Sindar Princess put aside their differences and agreed never to speak of it again.
 The Silmaril given to Earendil was actually a 40 watt lightbulb. Elwing took a jet ski to meet her husband. Melkor was savaged by a pack of hungry seagulls and the technology to make french fries was lost. Elrond and Elros spent the remainder of the war in summer camp, learning birdcalls. The booby flew south, where it is lost to history. 

All present on the beach that day swore a solemn oath to never reveal the secret fate of the Silmaril, on pain of mockery. 

Now that you know the most canonical, most complete account of this story, delivered with absolute objectivity, I hereby declare “wab” to  be the only valid response to any and all Discourse involving the last kinslaying, or the relative morality of elves in the First Age. 

Wab 

–I mean it. I’m watching you.