(borne out of a conversation with @cygnete, who should know better than to make clever offhand jokes in front of me lest i grab them and drive them into the ground)
Muscle sculpting:
For jaw muscles that could snap bone (and also give you blinding tension headaches), practice restrained fury grinding at 2 hour intervals throughout the day. Grinding sprints can be undertaken during visits home to your parents or conversations with philosophy students.NB: While this activity builds facial muscles the size of biceps, do not undertake if you currently enjoy the look and shape of your teeth.
Legs:
Every day is leg day with obsessive leg bouncing! Develop knots in your calves the size of golf balls as you jitter furiously under your desk and try not to say something rude to your econ professor, who is demonstrably WRONG about Keynes.NB: Side-effects may include the conspicuous over-development of your preferred jiggle leg compared to the other, and comments like ‘what’s vibrating like that? Is that a tremblor?’
Cardio:
These days fitness experts say short, uncontrolled and sporadic bursts of activity are the best thing for heart health and lung capacity. Engage in these bursts by muttering furiously under your breath for ten minutes then leaping to your feet in a burst of uncontrolled rage. You can choose between 1) wild arm waving – consider knocking something over for dexterity practice! or 2) flipping a table, if you are looking to build strength.NB: A variation on this is fist pounding, which strengthens the forearms and has the added bonus of being alarming and noisy and can effectively clear the room if you’re feeling encroached upon.
Abs:
Nothing builds a rock-hard tummy like angrily clenching every muscle in your torso as you chew your tongue and try to avoid erupting into physical violence. The great thing about this activity is that there is no limit on how long you can sustain it. Try starting with minutes at a time the next time your brother says something idiotic and work your way up to near constant rigidity as you reflect on the inherent stupidity of literally all life forms.NB: Some of you may be able to start with the latter right off the bat. It’s easier than you think!
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