They say my brother’s most favored object for personal stimulation is a certain portrait of mine, which he keeps hidden to maintain the illusion that he is indifferent to my grace and beauty

THAT IS AN ABSURD ALLEGATION! 

ANYONE found propagating this RIDICULOUS rumor will be CHASTENED upon the WHIPPING POST. 

….And anyone found to have been SNEAKING into my private quarters in an attempt to MALIGN ME will be found, and made very, very sorry from the top of their pretty blond head to their dainty feet. 

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