–Werewolves, weregild, wizards, and weaponized ballads!
I intended to post this on Halloween but circumstances did not permit. This is the first chapter of an ongoing work, intended to be more of a retelling of my absolute favorite scene in the Lay of Leithian (possibly my favorite scene in the whole legendarium), and can be read as a stand-alone work if you’re not into all that shipping business 🙂 Enjoy! ~Wes
Aulë, husband of Yavanna. Goliosi requested Mahal so here is my take on him, done to match his wife. Most famous for “oops I made the dwarves Eru please adopt them look how beardy they are”
#0 – Tevildo. Pettable only in theory; a quantum tummy, unknowable. No research available because all who try to rub the tummy have perished.
#1– I mean, it’s Sauron, right? Look at it. Fuzzy. Firm. Supportive. Lorge. Warm. A+ would use as mattress.
#2– Big Daddy Aulë
#3– Salgant, best with a touch of warm oil during a nice bath.
#4– Luthien (she probably ties with Salgant really, but I’m playing favorites)
#5– Drauglin. Not super soft? He’s pretty old and a little gnarly but makes up for it with sheer enthusiasm and wiggles.
#6– Turin. You think it’d be real nice, and it looks good, but is it worth the risk? Is it? Think of all you have to lose. Plus, he’s been living in the woods eating greasy meats over campfires for years, man.
#7– Maedhros. The most that can be said is that it’s long, like a kind of lean, ab-studded slip’n’slide; but he’s going to give you a Look, and make it awkward, and the risk of stabbing is preposterously high.
#8– Radagast. I wouldn’t. Stringy, concave, bony, probably wears a hairshirt or something scratchy and monastic; pass.
#9– Gollum; oh boy is it just so slippery. the slipperiest you can imagine.
#10– Gothmog; I know it’s tempting, in the same way that we all kinda want to stick our hands in fresh, oozing lava, but it’s a bad idea for all the same reasons
Honorable Good Tummy Mentions:
–All Khazad, everywhere, for similar reasons as #1, just … shorter. Probably Beorn too, but he’s less overtly cuddly.
–Manwë, surprisingly. You know how sometimes when you pet a birb real nice and it fluffs up all happy? That’s good isn’t it? I don’t know if he does this but just imagine.
no one tagged me, but i wanted to post six selfies…
that hair… HOW YOU DO THAT HAIR PLZ TEACH
😀
Buckle in, because this is going to be a LONG post. And I’m going to talk about BOG MUMMIES.
For reference, the hair in question:
This updo was actually what convinced me to grow my hair long in the first place (back in ye old 2008), and it has been strongly influential in my personal aesthetic ever since.
The story starts in 1938. Actually, it starts even earlier than that. In ~280 B.C., a woman died, and her body was placed in a bog, where it stayed until it was discovered in 1938, so well-preserved that the hair was still there.
This bog mummy is referred to as the Elling Woman. Here’s a bit about her.
The article talks a bit about her hair, but it’s kind of an unsatisfactory description. I found out about it when the article reached the Long Hair Community Forum in 2008, resulting in a 40-page (and counting!) thread wherein a bunch of long-haired women figured out how to recreate the hairstyle.
The ladies of LHC looked at the images of the hair, and were like: “Yep, that’s a rope braid.” “Here’s how you could do a 7-strand braid with 2-3-2 sections.” Etc. And basically, they tested out different versions, and came up with something that was cool-looking, comfortable, and practical.
Here’s the ~official~ reconstruction on the Tollund Man website:
And here’s a (very confusing) diagram of how the style is supposedly constructed:
There are several different recreations of the style floating around the LHC and youtube and the wider internet. The style also looks and works differently with different types of hair. I had to grow mine out until I could make a waist-length braid before I could really successfully do it with my hair, but my hair is medium-thick and fairly fine, so YMMV. Some people on the LHC did it with much shorter and thicker hair.
The LHC thread about it is a fun read, but it’s a bit long and meandering, and there are several conflicting sets of instructions there, so I’ll just talk about the method that I use. If you want a video aid, what I do is basically this, except I do rope braids for the bottom 2/3s instead of English braids, and I finish it by wrapping the thick braid around the middle braid, like this (I’ve never actually tried that particular method for forming the big braid, but finishing up the bun is the same).
Here’s a written description:
Take the top 1/3 of your hair and braid it in a basic 3-strand braid (a.k.a. an English braid) down to a little past your neck. Tie it off so that it stays braided while you braid the rest of your hair.
Separate your remaining hair into two sections (each about 1/3 of your total hair), one on the left side, and one on the right.
Braid each section into a rope braid (a two-strand braid that’s made by twisting both sections in the same direction, then twisting them together in the opposite direction). Tie them off so that they stay braided. Also, I’ve found that it’s better to make the rope braids so that they’re coiled in opposite directions.
Take the two rope braids, and braid them with the top/middle section of your hair that you’d braided into an English braid. You’re basically making one big English braid. After I’ve started braiding it, I slip off the elastic tie that I’d used to hold the middle braid together temporarily.
Braid it as a 3-strand (that’s made up of two 2-strand rope braids, and one one-strand section that started as a 3-strand braid, so it’s sort of a 7-strand braid!) English braid all the way to the end of your hair. Take out the elastic ties around the two rope braids when you get to them.
Tie the whole thing off with a single elastic tie at the end.
To make the bun, you lift up the simple English braid (the one you made in step one), and you wrap the thick, complicated braid around it in a spiral.
Tuck the end in as best as you can, and then secure it with whatever you want. I’ve used everything from a hair stick, a hair comb, a few bobby pins, and even a single barrette before.
You’re done!
There wasn’t any evidence of any hair pins or anything like that to secure the hair found with the Elling Woman’s body. If your hair is very oiled and/or very unwashed, it might be able to hold itself in place without needing to be tied or secured. As it is, this style does work better if your hair has been oiled, or hasn’t been washed for several days.
This hairstyle is really cool for a lot of reasons, but it’s also extremely comfortable! The middle braid essentially holds the whole thing up, so you don’t experience any of the pulling you feel with some buns.
Basically, if I had to wear the same hairstyle for thousands of years, I’d definitely pick this one. It’s beautiful, versatile, comfortable, and has a really cool backstory.
@swilmarillion the trashcan husbands for your consideration, ty!
who hogs the duvet Maedhros in Aman, Fingon in Beleriand
who texts/rings to check
how their day is going BoTh oF
tHeM…theyre mArRiEd..
who’s the most creative
when it comes to gifts this is only
tangentially related but I just recently found out what a ‘big ask’ is and
Fingon would do that.
who gets up first in the
morning Maedhros, in Aman bc
Responsibilities and after bc traumatic Not-sleep
who suggests new things
in bed Probably both of them.
who cries at movies Fingon at movies, Maedhros at real life
who gives unprompted
massages Fingon has a Consent Thing for
all touching, all the time, and I used to hc it was a post-Angband thing but
he’s a soft enough kid to have always done it tbh. Sometimes Maedhros puts his
prosthetic hand on Fingon’s shoulder without actually wearing it, so when
Fingon goes to hold it it’s like that scene from jurassic park, but more
who fusses over the other
when they’re sick Maedhros is the
epitome of an Older Brother and fusses for most things, and refuses to ever be
publicly sick himself after the eagle rescue.
who gets jealous easiest …theyre..in a healthy relationship karen… ..
who has the most
embarrassing taste in music Maedhros
likes Fingon’s singing
who collects something
unusual Maedhros keeps orcs in his
basement. Uh, probably doesn’t throw away Curufin’s hand prototypes. Fingon’s
got a fuckton of barrettes.
who takes the longest to
get ready Maedhros is the vainest
motherfucker circa Aman and it takes time.
Also leans on appearance after his face gets peeled off but in a performative
bedhead way, letting Fingon and his barrettes take the win.
who is the most tidy and organized Maedhros, absolutely, which isn’t a
condemnation of Fingon’s organizational skills but of the fact that Maedhros
fucking labels his tupperware, what the fuck,
who gets most excited
about the holidays they’re both about
even
who is the big
spoon/little spoon I wanna say Fingon
big-spoons, just because ‘jetpacking’ sounds
like a Fingon thing to do.
who gets most competitive
when playing games and/or sports Fingon
is this vine
who starts the most
arguments Depends on the issue. For a
lot of them, Fingon will start the argument proper but the subject will have
Maedhros as an origin, especially during the Unrest.
what couples traditions they have they seem like they’d be cute
about anniversaries
what tv shows they watch
together Fingon makes Maedhros sit
through Man vs Wild and he keeps up a string of ‘please don’t eat that yourself’s the whole time. Maedhros probably likes
fuckgn…Antiques Roadshow.
what other couple they
hang out with Finrod and Amarie I guess.
Aredhel and Celegorm if they’re making bad drunkcisions.
how they spend time
together as a couple tAkInG WaLkS iN tHe
EvEnInGs wHiLe HoLdInG HaNdS
who made the first move Fingon had a schoolboy crush on his graceful
alien-cat cousin that almost no one knew about and Turgon knew too fucking much
about, but then he had one on Olwe’s youngest son and Elemmire also, so w/e. When
he’s old enough to be forced into court they come into each other’s orbit
again, and become friends. The Truth About Maedhros being a dingus who gets
concussions off low doorways comes out, it is much more endearing than Fingon’s
memory of him, and he kisses him. Maedhros, having been pining for months, is relieved.
who brings flowers home both of them they’rE MaRrIeD
who is the best cook Maedhros gives it the old college try and Fingon
Can Grill.
On the one hand, the floral tunics were in June’s addition to the fic but on the other you have correctly divined that it was me that told her to add that detail, so I shall take it as a compliment to both of us. Anyway, here’s silm guys as mbmbam quotes:
Celegorm: “What’s up everybody, I think DOGS should VOTE”
Tuor: “SHRIMP! HEAVEN! NOW!”
Earendil: “I am going to stave off Quetzalcoatl with two glowsticks on the top of a fucking mountain just blasting Skrillex.”
Beren: “A good guy will buy you flowers; the right guy will eat them for you.”
Luthien: “Furries can do infinite crime!”
Fingolfin: “Anger 1 is like a quiet, reserved anger; anger 2 is like an explosion of biting.”
Turin: “The man who sleeps with a machete is a fool every night but one.”
MisbehavingMaiar: Tumblr Archive 